Day 2
The mind is your battleground. It’s the place where the fiercest conflict resides. It’s where half the things you feared would happen, never actually happened. It’s where your expectations get the best of you, and you fall victim to your own train of thought time and time again.
What’s one thought that has been getting the best of you lately? How has it been influencing your behavior?
A thought that's been getting the better of me how I've yet to find romantic love in my life. I've done the typical round of questioning as anyone in my place - why? Did I miss something? What can I change? What's going on? etc. The more I thought about it the more I kept going in circles and couldn't quite pinpoint the reason.
Until I realize, maybe there isn't a reason. Maybe it's just not my time .Maybe I should just go with the flow. I'm still young and I have plenty of time to explore. Of course that doesn't satisfy my curiosity. I'm a very curious person.
For my birthmonth, I decided, why not see a psychic for a palm and tarot reading? Just for shits and giggles. I ended up getting more out of it than I thought. I bought a Groupon, texted her for an appointment, and on Cinco De Mayo, drove myself to her place. I walked into her quaintly decorated porch and shuffled her cards as she went to attend to something in the kitchen. I felt somewhat at ease and just focused on shuffling the cards. Maybe she could give me some insight. She's a total stranger, but maybe that's just what I need.
She sat down and started placing the cards to give me a general reading. My career and finances look good, I'd live a long life, I'd probably have two kids - once of each, and then she opened about my love life as "your heart chakra has been stalled for a few years now."
I asked her, "Is there a reason I haven't found anyone yet?"
Her immediate response was "You have quite a brick wall up when it comes to the heart." That took me off guard a bit, but I wasn't surprised. I somewhat inwardly knew, I just never admitted it to myself. "It's a combination of you not finding a good match and you not being open."
That made me think alot.
I'm a very independent person and I'm very proud of it. I enjoy solo travel, I take care of myself, I do my best and excel at my career. I love my freedom and value the people in my career
And I'm afraid of that changing if I find someone I can love more than any of that. I'm afraid I'll give up any of that if in the moment I find someone I love more than any of what I currently have. I'm afraid of not being that independent person anymore after I find someone I want to share my life with.
More directly: I'm afraid of change.
I never thought I was really scared of change. In many instances, I seek change and growth. But after marinating on it for a while, I realize that any and all change I seek, is always on my terms, at my pace, and at least somewhat within my comfort zone. Though there's nothing wrong with that, life doesn't work like that.
Change is a necessary for growth and I owe it to myself to make a few dumb mistakes than to not try at all.
And if I do suddenly give up everything once I find that match, then I don't love myself enough.
So instead of having this inner conflict with myself, I will commit to myself. I will love myself. I will have an open mind, and an open heart.
I will trust and myself, that whatever comes my way, I'll be able to face it - head on, full force, and every time I fall, I will get back up.
And I hope you do too. We're all in it together. We are never alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment