Day 2 (journaling prompt challenge)

Day 2

The mind is your battleground.  It’s the place where the fiercest conflict resides.  It’s where half the things you feared would happen, never actually happened.  It’s where your expectations get the best of you, and you fall victim to your own train of thought time and time again.

What’s one thought that has been getting the best of you lately?  How has it been influencing your behavior?

A thought that's been getting the better of me how I've yet to find romantic love in my life. I've done the typical round of questioning as anyone in my place - why? Did I miss something? What can I change? What's going on? etc. The more I thought about it the more I kept going in circles and couldn't quite pinpoint the reason.

Until I realize, maybe there isn't a reason. Maybe it's just not my time .Maybe I should just go with the flow. I'm still young and I have plenty of time to explore. Of course that doesn't satisfy my curiosity. I'm a very curious person.

For my birthmonth, I decided, why not see a psychic for a palm and tarot reading? Just for shits and giggles. I ended up getting more out of it than I thought. I bought a Groupon, texted her for an appointment, and on Cinco De Mayo, drove myself to her place. I walked into her quaintly decorated porch and shuffled her cards as she went to attend to something in the kitchen. I felt somewhat at ease and just focused on shuffling the cards. Maybe she could give me some insight. She's a total stranger, but maybe that's just what I need.

She sat down and started placing the cards to give me a general reading. My career and finances look good, I'd live a long life, I'd probably have two kids - once of each, and then she opened about my love life as "your heart chakra has been stalled for a few years now."

I asked her, "Is there a reason I haven't found anyone yet?"

Her immediate response was "You have quite a brick wall up when it comes to the heart." That took me off guard a bit, but I wasn't surprised. I somewhat inwardly knew, I just never admitted it to myself. "It's a combination of you not finding a good match and you not being open."

That made me think alot.

I'm a very independent person and I'm very proud of it. I enjoy solo travel, I take care of myself, I do my best and excel at my career. I love my freedom and value the people in my career

And I'm afraid of that changing if I find someone I can love more than any of that. I'm afraid I'll give up any of that if in the moment I find someone I love more than any of what I currently have. I'm afraid of not being that independent person anymore after I find someone I want to share my life with.

More directly: I'm afraid of change.

I never thought I was really scared of change. In many instances, I seek change and growth. But after marinating on it for a while, I realize that any and all change I seek, is always on my terms, at my pace, and at least somewhat within my comfort zone. Though there's nothing wrong with that, life doesn't work like that.

Change is a necessary for growth and I owe it to myself to make a few dumb mistakes than to not try at all.

And if I do suddenly give up everything once I find that match, then I don't love myself enough.

So instead of having this inner conflict with myself, I will commit to myself. I will love myself. I will have an open mind, and an open heart. 

I will trust and myself, that whatever comes my way, I'll be able to face it - head on, full force, and every time I fall, I will get back up.

And I hope you do too. We're all in it together. We are never alone. 

Day 1 (journaling prompt challenge)

Through the many windows of the internet, I stumbled upon this article on 31 Morning Journaling Prompts That Will Change the Way You Think. So I decided to give it a try. In honor of my birth month, I wanted to take on more challenges to practice things I used to love.

Day 1

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you made, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that hurt others and yourself.  Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless.  These are all vital lessons.  And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

What specifically do you need to forgive yourself for?  What have your error(s) in judgment taught you?

First and foremost, I want to forgive myself for the damage I might caused unknowingly. For the times I was not patient and understanding or lacked compassion. For the times I was selfish and the times I did not follow through. Though I was not aware at the time, and that it was not my intention, that does not change the fact that I had caused pain, whether to someone else or to myself.

And I forgive myself. I now relish the difficult journey and embrace that I am human and that I make mistakes. I forgive others for their mistakes, I'll forgive myself. I forgive myself for the times that I did not put myself first when I should have. For not focusing on my own goals and aspirations instead of always looking to help others. Though my intentions were well, it doesn't change the fact that I didn't value enough myself and my own needs. I forgive myself, because I deserve growth and so that I can move on with myself.

Tomorrow is a new day. Now a new opportunity. I am always going to be worth trying over and over for again.

27 things I've learned at 27

With my 27th birthday just passed, I am reminded of how things have changed and how different my perspective on life has become. If I were to go back, I would have never expected my life to be where it has been up until now. And though it may be sappy I'll still write my list anyways. There's so much more life to live and I'm just getting started. But here we go: 27 things I've learned at 27.

1. There is no point in being so harsh on yourself. Understand, accept, and appreciate that you are human. You can't run on caffeine 24/7 and frankly, you shouldn't because that is so unhealthy. Your goals should not go above your health, and you should take care of yourself. You have to take care of yourself if you want to be able to take care of other people. You have to take care of yourself if you want to move forward. Burn out is quite real and you should never feel ashamed of being human.

2. You will never truly be happy unless you're happy with yourself. Accept yourself. No one is perfect. I forgive everyone else for having flaws, I should be able to forgive myself. That's not to say I don't have things I want to improve upon, but don't wait until you're "perfect" to love yourself. Don't wait until you've reached a certain achievement to love yourself, because your worth is not based on your accomplishments.

3. Don't give a f*ck what people think of you. It's hard sometimes - and by sometimes, I mean a lot of times. Especially when we live in a world of eternally intertwined relationships, you're bound to care how someone thinks of you. Whether it's professional or personal, you're bound to care at some point in time. And that's normal. You'll have insecurities about it. And that's normal. BUT don't let it get to you. You're only human, but don't let it get to you. Especially since there is no such thing as pleasing everyone. Make decisions you can live with, cherish the people that love you, and live your best life. No opinions matter beyond the grave, why should they matter in life?

4. People change - and so will you. One really hard lesson I've learned is that people change - friends, family, me. All things change. I believe that we are all meant to grow in different ways. But as we grow, we either grow with people, or we grow apart. There are friends I've been lucky enough to keep since high school, and there were friends that, in a way, I am no longer compatible as friends with as time went on. Eventually you contact each other less and less, put in less effort to meet up - or you can't stand that person's habits or they can't stand yours - because you're both different people now. Whatever the case, I've learned that it's okay - even necessary to let go of things that are no longer worth your time - including people. It's hard. It's fucking hard. But don't hold onto a person just because you miss the good old times. Cherish the memories, but let go of the people who don't deserve your time anymore.

5. Your goals, aspirations, and desires will change - and that's 100% completely fine. Growing up, I had a very narrow view of what my life could be - college, job, marriage, kids, family, boom, done. But there's so much more to life than that. SO much more. There are so many places to travel, so many different people to meet, so many foods to try, so many different perspectives to consider, so many concepts to learn, and so much more to life than what I've been told is "normal". That's not to say I don't want to settle down and raise a family one day - I do. It's just farther down the line than I had originally thought when I was a young impressionable little girl in elementary school playing house. I just can't be happy living life confined in a box or in a standard set by someone else. And I relish that.

6. Excuses will only hold you back in the end. It's not always black and white, but overall, if you want to accomplish anything, the excuses need to stop. I can't keep saying I'm too tired to work out if I want to be more fit. I can't keep saying I have no time to cook when I have the time to online shop for two hours. I can't improve my relationship with other people if I keep excusing their bad behavior or excusing them for treating me badly. I started replacing "can't" with "didn't want to", and that changed a lot for my perspective to the truth of my excuses.

7. Love your parents. I get emotional sometimes thinking about how lucky I am to have the parents I have. They've loved me and supported my unconditionally for as long as I can remember. In more recent years, I've noticed how old they're getting. They can't walk as fast, or can't remember things as well. I want to spend as much time with them as I can, because as I get older, so will they.

8. It's truly the pure and simple gestures that matter most. I can't say I'm not over the top sometimes. I'm extra. I'll wear glittery eye shadow to go to the grocery store. But by the end of every day, it's the simple gestures that make me the happiest. When a coworker shares her lunch with me because I forgot mine, or when a friend can tell what type of style clothing I would go for, or when they stay up late talking to me to make me feel better - things like that I appreciate the most.

9. If it makes you happy - then do it. If wearing bright red lipstick makes you happy, portray it proudly upon your features. If this luxurious handbag makes you happy and you can afford it, then treat yourself to it. If traveling to a far off land with no itinerary makes you feel free, then go for it. If going to a hot yoga class helps you relax and unwind, definitely do it. Do things that make you happy. Cause honestly - why not? There's an art in finding what makes you happy - an art I'm still learning, but when you find something you love, something that makes you excited to get up in the morning, go for it. Go for it, and hold onto it. Because it's worth it. Because you're worth it.

10. Your worth is not equivalent to your productivity. I love my job. I love working and being productive and I'll stay late or take work home with me if I have to. But that's not solely where my worth lies. I've always been hard on myself, because I want to be better, want to improve, want to contribute, want to do more, want to be more. But I shouldn't have to kill myself with productivity to be satisfied with my work. I do the best I can do every day, and I let that be enough.

11. Travel. It's worth it. Period. My favorite thing about traveling, besides getting to experience a new place, is that every time I come back, I come back with a refreshed and broadened perspective. I may speak for myself, but traveling is something I probably can't live without. To be able to see such diversity and harmonious differences in our world - it's truly a breath taking opportunity that really makes me appreciate life and the people in my life so much more.

12. It's ok to say "no". And not to be ashamed about it. Period. You have a right to not do what you don't want to or aren't your responsibility. If you wish to be kind or go the extra mile, it's your choice, not your obligation.

13. Most things come down to communication. No matter who you're arguing with or who you're working with. Communication matters. A lot. It isn't everything, but it's pretty damn important. It matters as much to listen what others have to say, just as much as it matters to convey yourself in a way that other people can understand. Communication is both ways, never one way.

14. Understand that love means different things to different people. Understand yours. And find your people. At some point in time, we may realize that everyone has a different definition of love. We all express our love in different ways and want to receive love in certain ways in order to be happy. There is no one way. Learn what your love language is, respect the differences of others, and find people who will understand you and you will understand them.

15. Embrace your voice and express yourself. I always always taught to be polite and respectful. I still am, but it doesn't mean stay quiet and take other people's shit. Whether you have to nicely say "no" to a task, or ripping a douche bag a new asshole, never be afraid to use your voice and stand up for yourself.

16. Drink water. There's no question, it's vital to life, to good skin, and a healthy body.

17. Don't look for reasons to make love work. Because sometimes, it just won't work. While it's true that you can't help who you can have feelings for, feelings aren't enough to make a relationship work. It takes communication, commitment, and consistency. 

18. Talk is cheap. Actions always speak louder. And inaction says even more. With anyone in your life, if they claim to care about you or your relationship with them, they will find a way to put in the time and effort. Whether it's a significant other, a friend, family member, we all have the same hours in a day. We all might not have the same level of time management, but by the end of the day, we will put effort into things that matter most to us. Don't make excuses for someone not putting in the effort. If they care, then they will try, period, end of story.

19. People will disappoint you and that's part of life. Also realize that you're not perfect either. That being said, don't be too mad or upset when someone disappoints  you. Don't get mad. Adjust your expectations of that person. You will disappoint others and that's also part of life. You didn't mean to. They probably didn't mean to either. Have forgiveness of others and yourself.

20. Read (or listen to podcasts). The deeper I get into my career, the more I'm reading scientific articles or technology focused things. After a long day of stretching my brain, the last thing I want to do I pick up a book. But even just 10 or 20 pages of fiction a day can really help me unwind my wired brain and keep my inner child alive.

21. Learn the language of your body. Learn what foods make you feel good, which stretches wake you up, and what to avoid consuming to not feel shitty. As one of my college coaches used to say, "Would you sell your leg for a few million? How about your arm? Do you have a price? Take care of your body. Take care of your multi-million dollar machine." If you work out and then have really bad muscle pain, it's okay to day a day off. If you've been eating nothing but fast food for three days, better take some time to cook some veggies. Take care of yourself.

22. Perfect is a day dream. Reality is better. Simply because whatever I cook up in my imagination, it still limited. As far as I can dream, of the perfect home, the perfect soul mate, the perfect whatever... there's still so much out there I have yet to experience, so much more than what my little imagination can even think of. I'm at the point in my life, where I don't want perfect. It doesn't exist. I want real and I want to grow with it, I want to continue expanding and keep enjoying the adventure.

23. Don't look for closure in other people. This is one that has set me the most free. When you feel hurt or are done wrong by others, don't look for closure in them. When I say that, I say, don't count on them confessing an apology or acknowledging their wrongness. Cause some people will never admit it. Ever. Even in death. Don't rely on their feelings and revelations to find closure for your own. And don't let yourself focus on the "why" they did what they did or the "how could they?". Because it won't matter after the fact that they already did it. Focus on yourself and moving on and far from them and the past. Of course it'll be fucking hard. But in the end, the only true inner peace I have ever found, is in my own ability to move on. Today, if all of the people who have ever done me dirty apologized to me for whatever happened, I don't even think I would care. The younger me would have loved that. The younger me that wanted peace and harmony and an ideal world. But the person I'm growing into now only cares for the present and the future. 

24. Seek the goodness in other people. Acknowledge their flaws and accept them as they are. That's not to say you can trust everyone. No. But it doesn't mean you can't treat them with human decency and common courtesy. Some people can be nasty, or just overall unpleasant. That doesn't mean you still can't appreciate the good in them. It'll benefit you in the end. If you keep focusing on the negative of a person, it'll just aggravate you seeing them. Don't focus on the negative. Try to seek the goodness in them.

25. Keep an open mind and an open heart. To everything. People, opportunities, yourself. Don't think about your limits. Consider them when planning, but think of solutions towards your limits. Understand that you are the only person who limits anything and to keep an open mind to what you are capable of. Do what scares you. Leave the comfort zone. Keep yourself open to life.

26. Seek meaningfulness, not happiness. Happiness is a state of mind. You can be as happy as your state of mind allows any given moment. Doing things and having relationships that have meaning to you, I've learned, has been what has brought me the most satisfaction and fulfillment in life. Whether it's finding a passion that drives me, laughing with friends that mean the world to me, or being deeply humbled by my volunteer work, a life of meaning is worth living.

27. The present moment is all that we will ever truly have. Learn from the past and have hope for the future, and live in the present. Enjoy the here and now. Because once it's gone, it gone. Remember that.

The best is yet to come!

-Chelle

February 2018 in Review

After thinking about what to give up for February while it was already February, I had decided to expand instead of decrease. I had originally thought of giving up soda or carbs, but January already gave me a refresher course in moderation - so doing it again would only be redundant.

Instead, I wanted to focus on what ways I can grow outward and expand; to give myself a different challenge. I wanted to focus on finding a sport I could love and commit to. Two good friends of mine found kickboxing and absolutely loved it and I'm so happy for them! They love going to class and work up a huge sweat and get endorphin high after. That's part of what I was trying to find, in addition to being able to clear my mind after a stressful day at work.

And so I decided to try Core Power Yoga studio that one of my other friend recommended to me. She goes religiously and what she was describing seemed to be more of my speed and what I wanted to get out of it.

So on Valentine's Day, I decided to treat myself to a class (the first week is free anyways) and jumped into Yoga Sculpting. I had no idea what I was getting into. I not only worked up a huge sweat but also re-worked some muscles I'd forgotten about since high school. I was dead the next day and couldn't feel my legs or walk down a flight of stairs normally, but I loved it.

I was a total hot mess, but I loved it. I love it enough to commit to at least another month or two (because it is very expensive).

I hope you have a good day and go out there and try something new!

-Chelle

Photo Diary 03 :: Frisky Friday

What better way to celebrate the night of Lunar New Year, then to spend it with my girlfriends eating soup dumplings in Chinatown and going to see a men's strip show?





We ended up at Fifty Shades Men's Revue. 
There were things that could not be unseen. 
There were things that could not be unheard. 
Birthday girl wanted to kill us, but it was worth it! ;) 
Glad you had fun! xx

I like any excuse to dress up. In love with this outfit and the pieces. 
Couldn't go without the earrings I got at a flea market while I was in Thailand, purely because they were red haha 
It's not Lunar New Year without red!

The only thing my mother had to say after I told her about the show was "you paid for that"? So unimpressed lol

Hope everyone had a great new year!

-Chelle

Places I want to travel in 2018

They say that January and February are the best times to plan some nice getaways. You know, with the weather being all cold and un-motivating to go out.
With the travel bug still strong in me, I've crafted a list of where I want to go this year. I won't hit all these places, but I do love a challenge and a girl can dream!

Chile
A friend of mine recently quit her job to volunteer in a small community in Chile. So of course, I must visit her. Easter Island, Santiago, the world's largest swimming pool, eating our weight in empenadas and other South American foods, they're all on my list and hopefully we'll be able to hit a few of them along with some surprises! My travel buddy and I always have a good time. Maybe we'll get our fortunes read again and come back with some new body art haha

Las Vegas
A few friends and I were trying to snag a deal on a vacation for a few days in Vegas. My friends didn't end up being able to make those dates, but my mom and aunts caught wind and, of course, volunteered me to plan a vacation for them. Not even a week after they heard about it, my aunt texted me saying that she already took the vacation off haha Of course I'll go with them, to make sure they make it out of Sin City alive. Besides, 4th of July fireworks on the strip sounds like an amazing idea.

Mexico
While browsing CheapCaribbean.com (cause, you know, that's what I do in my spare time) my friends and I are trying to go some place tropical, and Mexico is not only within our budgets, but also have some lovely resorts and beaches! Whether it's Tulum, Cancun, Riveria Maya, we may find our way to Mexico somehow...

San Antonio, TX

As I was searching the interwebs for different festivals around the U.S. (you know, for shits and giggles), and one in San Antonio really caught my eye: Luminaria. It happens every December, and time away from the cold seems like a marvelous idea. I have a thing for lights, and the idea of walking by the river being lit by lights and lanterns excited the romantic in me. Plus, there's always Texas BBQ. BBQ is always better down south.

Norway

Did someone say Northern Lights? They've been on my bucket list for forever. And if anything, they're even more so since there's no guarantee of seeing Northern Lights. There are seasons where there are higher chances, but it's never a guarantee. Norway in December we hear are a good time to go with a high chance. As I said, I have a thing for lights. I can only imagine what this could be like and I am excited beyond words.

Thailand

Ever since I studied abroad in Thailand for 8 weeks, I've left a peace of my heart there, with the friends I'll never forget. I went to Thailand  5 years and it was life changing in the best, most challenging way. Bangkok, Krabi, Chulalongkorn University, some of the more memorable places. I have yet to see Chiang Mai. A friend of mine is going to Thailand to tie up some potential wedding stuff, so perhaps I'll meet them there and see some old friends :D 

What's on your travel list?
-Chelle

January 2018 in Review

For the month of January, I gave up Starbucks, Dunkin' Donuts, and going out to eat for lunch. Because 1.) It's healthier and 2.) to save some money.

After two of my friends had to have their gallbladders taken out, it has really lit a fire in me to take my health more seriously. And as I grow older and have other goals in mind (going back to school part-time, buying a house, etc.), I need to manage my finances better.

As you can tell by the smile on my face - and the fact that I took the effort to match my lipstick to my pink drink - that I surely missed Starbucks after 31 days of resistance. There were a few moments when I really wanted to give in and get a drink as I exited Target with a Starbucks conveniently by the front door; or when I was too lazy to cook anything to bring to work in the morning.

But after 31 days of resistance and taking the responsibility to utilize my kitchen, and tabulating how much I've saved, it was a VERY worthwhile experiment. From this challenge it's reinforced a few things I already knew, but sort of re-learned:

1.) I don't NEED to go to Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts. I can make drinks myself. It's just a weekly treat that's nice to have, but only in moderation. If you think you NEED a drink or snack from a chain because it's conveniently right there or has a rewards system - think again. You don't NEED it. You only WANT it.

2.) Save yourself some money and cook your own lunch. You will not only be more creative in the kitchen, but also appreciate more your own home-cooking. Plus you'll know what you're putting into your body as opposed to anything from the surrounding chain restaurants.

3.) Moderation isn't always easy, but it's pretty much always worth it in my opinion. It will be hard at first, but you can do it. There is no excuse.

-Chelle

Dear 2017

Dear 2017,

I have to say, 2017, you had way more in store for me than I have ever expected. 

I started the year, not at my best - I was unemployed, had some personal issues with people who I thought were my friends, and had a few inner conflicts - as any 20-something struggling to "adult" would. I stepped into the year 2017, thinking "okay, well I can try to figure my life out, maybe find a stable job, and maybe feel less lost than I am now, maybe get my life together, maybe get myself together, maybe just feel more together in some form."

And I have somewhat in 2017. I've been lucky enough to be on a job I absolutely love, with a supervisor and co-workers I absolutely adore; I've had opportunities to work on projects beyond my level, and have somehow had the best group a #real friends anyone could ask for fall into place when I needed it most. I've traveled to new places, tried new foods, and even re-connected with old friends who live across the globe.

Of course 2017 has highlighted some of the things I can improve upon, I still don't have a solid direction of what I really want to do with my life, but I'm sure as hell enjoying the journey as I go.

And I'm so incredibly grateful for it all.

I've never been one to dwell on the past too much, but there will always be parts of me that wondered the "what if" for things I didn't do. 2017, I do apologize for the delay in this letter to you. It took me a while to write this, because with this letter, I want to say good bye and let go of the past. The memories I'll keep, the inhibitions and doubts I'll gladly leave behind. Rome wasn't built in a day, and I will never grow if I keep holding myself back.

Some of my favorite memories from 2017:

Road tripping to Montreal in time for Canada's birthday.

I can always depends on you two boss ass bitches for the most interesting and inappropriate yet enlightening conversation topics haha

Reconnecting with old friends who life half a world away.

We all met during study abroad 5 years ago, and it was so great seeing you guys again! You guys inspire me in different ways, I hope you keep being your totally awesome selves, dudes. It was a high time! Of course holding butterflies on our fingers was also magical!

Finding some spiritual enlightenment in New Mexico. 

After driving around nearly 800 miles around the state by myself, while fighting altitude sickness, through desert, forest, and the occasional barren waste land. Happy that my rental didn't break down, that I got to stay in a vintage trailor in the mountains of Taos, soaked my worries away in the natural mineral baths, and tried the famous green chili burger. I let my inner child out at the Balloon Fiesta, touched my toes in gypsum, experienced Meow Wolf, and made some amazing memories for myself. Accidentally trespassed on government property, but it was worth the instagram photos lol
If any of you have any doubts about traveling by yourself, all I have to say is - DO IT. It isn't for everyone, but SO worth doing at least once.

The best girls trip I've had yet. 

It's one thing to be in a nice place or travel with some great friends. It's a blessing to be able to do both. We keep it #real and we keep it fucking fun with a little bit of crazy and a dash of savagery. Mixed drinks, tanning pool side, living like the local Dominicans with an interesting bus ride, trying not to get ripped off for souvenirs, sustaining injuries from mermaiding too hard, making friends people of different countries, and of course...

My first tattoo. 

What says a good trip like coming back with a new piece of permanent artwork on your body? Surprisingly my mother did not want to kill me. She even smiled and said it was cute. My mother never fails to surprise me.

Work Shennanigans. 

Whether it's trying to get the EDTA to dissolve, suffering through UAT together, or overall just laughing about technical difficulties, I couldn't ask for better coworkers, or a better supervisor (shout out to Sam, we have no selfies together, we need to fix that). You've all impacted my life in ways I can't really describe, but feel very deeply.

So here's to you 2017. Thank you all for being in my life last year, I can only imagine what 2018 has in store.

:D

Cheers!

Chelle