Reflection: My Fear of Failure

I was thinking back recently to my younger self and what I used to fear? What do I fear? More things than I would like to.

When I used to think of the things I am afraid of, I used to think of ways to avoid these things as much as possible - studying extra hard to ace this class, never go near amusement parks, taking whatever extra precautions I possibly could. It's not the best way to live - letting your fears shape your life.

So instead of thinking of how to avoid things, I now think of how to fix things if any of my fears do come true. And so what if they do come true? 

Will I be devastated? 
Maybe, depending on what happens. 

Will the world come to a horrid, screeching end? 
No.

If the world won't end, then I won't either.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm older and have more responsibilities that all these fears seem so trivial, or because of how much confidence I've gained in myself over the years, but I'm not so afraid any more.

At the top of my fear list is, or should I say was, failure. I'd come a long way from that shaky road.

The reason I'd always feared failure is because from when I could remember, I'd always been praised for being a good student. For being smart. For being able to take care of myself and know where I'm headed in the future. For making my parents proud. My parents risked life and death to come to America to have a better life and for their family to have a better life. And I was making them proud of their hopes coming true for their only child.

I put my entire self-worth centered around this - and that was my mistake.

I graduated high school no problem and earned my Bachelor of Science in Chemical Engineering afterwards. I was able to earn funding and was basically being paid to go to graduate school. Everything had fallen into place and I was on my way on my bright little career path.

But it was during graduate school and the real working world, when things started going "wrong", that my confidence and what I saw in myself begin to crumble with each mistake I had made. 

But that's life. You're going to make mistakes. Period. Things may have gone fine in high school and college - except for a bad test score or grade here and there, but when I slowly got deeper into the subject matter and worked with some interesting (almost completely incompatible) people, I realized how unimportant those little things are. Keep going. Because you have too many places to go to be afraid.

School was easy in that what you put in studying, you get out in your scores. You see immediate results, and in that way, you become complacent in how you perform and how you are as a person and things seem "fair" for the most part.

But that's not the real world. Life is completely unfair at times and you will have to deal with  unfair people, places, and things. You'll have to deal with everything. And there's no amount of studying that will always equate what outcome you'll want all the time. If your boss doesn't like you, it doesn't matter how hard you work - they won't be impressed. It's nothing personal, just move on. Don't put your self worth into the judgement of others of whether or not you did a "good job" or what not. Know yourself. Be whole without the input of others.

Did I mess up a few times? Did I make mistakes? Did I fail? Certainly.

Overall I'm still fine. Better than fine, I'm stronger than I used to be. I would tell my younger self so much.

If there's anything I learned it's that no one should be afraid to fail. For anyone who is one of those students who is focused on the straight A's and what not, let me tell you that there is so much more to life that you need to include in your personal curriculum. Sure, keep up the professionalism, keep up your grades, know where you stand, and know what your skill sets are - that is to your advantage. But don't be afraid to fail. Yes, you were high up there in rankings, but don't let that define you. Be competitive, be passionate, but most importantly, be fearless. And trust yourself.

What if I don't trust myself? Then improve yourself. What is it about yourself that you don't trust? You're not good with money? You're not good with people? You're not good with conflict? Do something about it. Whatever you feel you lack, work on it, it's an on going process - no one can improve over night. Be independent, trust yourself - confidence will follow and the fear will slowly dissolve.

I was on the phone with an older gentleman - a client so to speak - and he said something that really stuck with me: "Even if they take away your job, no one can take away your ability."

That will stay with me for probably the rest of my life. Because it's true. Gain skills and knowledge and abilities that no one can take away and you'll be confident to face whatever struggles and fears lay before you.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Be Brave!

-Chelle